The Best Mother-in-Law Jokes in the world
Foreword: After the death of my grandmother I found this little book in her apartment. The cover had cracks, but with a computer program I was able to restore it and replaced the German title's name with an English one too. This book was written in Ancient German, which is why I had to correct the grammar of those jokes for the "translation", but I tried my best to keep it as close as possible to the original version. Many of these jokes were far too religious, cruel and simply not amusing. That's why I picked out 15 of them which were the most bearable ones. Unfortunately I
could not find the name of the original author in this collection of jokes but I do wish to thank Laurel Grant (laurelgrant) and my best friend Nano (shinanome) for their translation help.
1. A man was given wine to sell. Because the wine was good, he quickly found an interested buyer. During the taste test, the man remarked this wine reminded him of his mother-in-law." "Oh? Why?" His drinking partner asked. The man answered "The wine is full-bodied, a little nutty and quite bitter."
2. A man's mother-in-law dies in a city where there is also a crematorium. The son-in-law, calls the woman's other
son-in-law. "Our mother-in-law has died. Bury or have her burned?" The man answers back "First burn, then bury. Better safe than sorry."
3. After a long, dry heat, a good, extensive rain followed. A farmer. whose mother in law had recently died, met with the local priest and says: "That was a good rain, it was worth a lot." The priest replied: "This much rain will surely bring everything back to life!" The farmer, visibly shocked, then stammered in response: "I should hope not! My mother-in-law has only been gone eight days."
4. A man was traveling on a private flight with his mother-in-law. The pilot
let the two know that this flight would cost about two thousand dollars per person. After a little haggling, however, everyone agreed that instead the flight would cost two thousand dollars for both of them together, provided neither of them spoke during the flight. If this demand of the pilot should not be met, they would have to pay the full four thousand bucks. After a few numerous flight maneuvers and air show feats, everyone got back on solid ground, but the mother-in-law was missing. The pilot asked in amazement: "Where's the elderly lady?" "After all of your maneuvers and loops, she lost her balance and fell out of the plane," the
son-in-law replied. The pilot wanted then to know why the son-in-law hadn't said a word about this situation during the flight but he only replied shortly in a huff: "I'm not going to pay twice the fare for such an unimportant thing!"
5. What's the difference between a cigarette and a mother in law? There's no difference: Both are bitter.
6. From the third floor, someone shouts down: "Janitor! Janitor! Come quickly, my mother-in-law is going crazy, she wants to jump out of the window!" "Well, what am I supposed to do?"
"Just come quickly to us, because we can't get the window open!"
7. The mother-in-law asks her daughter:
"Is it true that your husband is divorcing you?"
"Yes!"
"Aha! Certainly because of another woman!"
"Yes!"
"Do you know this woman?"
"Yes!"
"Who is that witch?"
"You!"
8. A little boy is running to his father and shouts: "Father, come quickly! The bull attacked grandma!" The father exclaimed: "Sweet Jesus! Did the bull survive?!"
9. After the mother-in-law's funeral, the relatives notice that her son-in-law
sprinkled something white and powdery into her grave. After they were outside the cemetery, one of them asks: "What did you sprinkle in the grave?"
"Bicarbonate soda (baking soda)!"
"Why?" he asks in surprise.
"Well, so that the earth can digest my mother-in-law better."
10. In a group of friends, they take turns, strut and boast of their relatives, all of whom are important people.
"When my uncle enters the room, everyone there stands up, bows before him and says: General!"
"With us, when my uncle shows up, they even address him as Excellency!"
"That's nothing! With us, when the
mother-in-law appears, everyone nearby also stands up and says: Oh God, oh God!"
11. Lord John Russell, the famous English statesman, was a lawyer in his youth. One day at the court, a colleague at the hearing of a bigamy case asks him, whispering softly into his ear: "What is the maximum penalty for bigamy?"
Russell replied calmly but very seriously, "Two mothers-in-law!"
12. Aunt Betty passed away. The preacher spoke at her grave: "She was a good, sweet woman who always ensured peace and harmony in her family..."
Then her son-in-law turned around and whispered to his wife: "Let's head out!
We're obviously at the wrong funeral."
13. In a lunatic asylum, a young man came and wanted to talk to the chief physician. He was led into the parlour, and as soon as the doctor came, he asked if someone had escaped from the asylum shortly ago?
"No," the doctor answered. "Why the question?"
"Because tonight someone kidnapped my mother-in-law and that can only have been one of your inmates."
14. "Won't you also come to the professor's lecture? Today he is talking about the topic: savages and wild beasts!"
"No! I know this topic well enough,
because my mother-in-law has been living with us for 5 years!"
15. How people pass away from life:
The lawyer - appears before a higher judge.
The chemist - dissolves.
The diplomat - abdicates.
The scholar - lost his spirit.
The civil servant - is transferred to another world.
The painter - has faded away.
The conductor - reached the end of the line.
The bricklayer - scratches off.
The writer - ends his chapter.
The Sailor - crosses the Styx.
The priest - blesses the temporal.
The street sweeper - returns to the dust.
The actor - resigns.
The washerwoman - wrung out.
The vegetarian - withered away.
The coachman - drives off.
The musician - plays together harp with the angels.
The gravedigger - goes into the pit.
The fisherman - swims with the fishes.
The mother-in-law - is finally speechless.
