Romane & Erzählungen
Hope (english) - Not made for Everyone

Prologue

I know it since three weeks now. My life has a deadline. Every day I get up I count out the day before on the calendar. I´m ill. Three weeks ago I had an operation that was meant to cut my appendix out. They accidentally cut a tumor. Now the cancer is everywhere in my body. I will die but this is okay. I will never come of age but this is okay. My big brother made a fake ID to make me four years older. Officially I´m twenty-one now. She moved in the black light like she were born to dance in the crowd. But the crowd around us was just not important when I saw her the first time this evening. The first time I withdraw from her because I was afraid of being awkward. I waited until she went to the bar to get something to drink. „Hey I´m David“ she turned to me after

ordering a Samuel Smith´s cider: „Hello David“ I imagine that I saw a bit of surprise in her eyes when she said my name. „I saw you dancing“ I said and could slap myself right into the face. How stupid. „Like there is no tomorrow“ she mumbled an took the cider that was given to her by the barkeeper. „I´m Alley Page“ that sounded very much like a fake name to me but I didn´t care about if I could take her home with me. „You look very familiar to me. Have we met before?“ „Uhm no … no I don´t think so“ „Oh! Yes you were on Felicias Party on saturday weren't you?“ „Yes I was, I don´t remember you“ „Nah I was not there this day. She just had shown me some photos“ „Ah good to know that other people take photos of mine“ „I can understand that … you are a very good looking

man“ My heart missed a beat when she said that. It has been a while since a woman said that the last time about me. I think I should give more time in social activities. The party was not really what I do so often. I was there for about one hour, then my companion left with a girl and I went home too. She smiled on a secret way: „You are not accustomed on compliments right?“ I laughed caught. „I like your hair … how long do you spent time on it?“ „Eh … what?“ „Oh nothing. I just wanted you to say something! You are so quiet. Would you pay me a Taxi home or will you drive me by yourself?“ „So tell me the way to your flat!“ It was going to half past one am when we arrived at her home. It was not a flat. She lived

in a town house. In London. I was going to sleep with a bloody rich girl! „It´s the house of my parents but they are not at home yet“ „You still live with your parents?“ „I don´t have the money … I broke my studies at Cambridge and my parents do not pay my taxes and stuff so I decided to stay here“ „Why?“ „Why what?“ „Why did you broke a paid semester at Cambridge?!“ „Because of … reasons. It´s a long story that I do not want to tell you now“ „Okay“ „Do you want to come with me or stay here in the garden?“ She smiled in the moonlight. When I woke up the next morning I had the pleasure to have dark curls in my face. David

lay in my bed in front of mine. He looked so cute. I can´t believe that I did slept with a man who was nearly double my age. He is twenty-nine, from Scotland and the quintessence of what I want from a man. I think I loved him since the first moment I saw him in the black light. A nasty little sting in haunch interrupted my thoughts. „Oh fuck“ I moaned and put the legs to my stomach. Since I had the operation I have this hurts in regular time. I got up and stepped with uncertain rickety knees into the bathroom. I sat down on the rim of the bathtub. A few minutes later I heard David walking on the floor then he entered the room: „Are you all right?“ „I´m fine … I will die“

Who are we?

„I´m fine … I will die“ I said looking up to him with a serious face. „You are kidding!“ „No David I´m not. Death is not an issue the do jokes on it“ „Oh my goodness“ he whispered shocked an sat down on the flagging with his back leaning against the bathtub. „Yes that´s what I thought when they told me“ „That´s why you quit Cambridge er?“ „Yes … I have nothing to loose. My life ends and I think it had no need to waste time with studying“ „Understandable … Alley how old are

you?“ „David…“ I whispered with trembled voice. „Tell me, please“ „I´m seventeen“ „You faked your ID!“ He recognized laughing. „Yes I did. I thought it would be fair- I do not want to die as a child!“ „Understandable again“ „David could you tell nobody from this? Not Felicia, not anyone?“ „Why should I?“ „Most of my … uhm people would do. I told no one“ „Wow … okay I would rather support you than to stab you in the

back“ „Don´t you dare to fake sympathy!“ „Alley … I would not fake this. I just want to help you because I would not have slept with you if you were somebody unimportant to me. You are beautiful and clever and funny and-“ „-And you don´t know me! Get out!“ I shouted. He stand up and left the bathroom. „Out of my house!“ I shouted louder. Five minutes later I heard how he closed the main-door behind him. I started crying although I swore to myself never to do this shit again. I swore too that I would not tell somebody

of my sickness because I don´t want the sympathy. To many people would go away or would overwhelm me with overused phrases like „Everything is going to be fine“ or „How does it feel?“. I don´t want that. And now there is one man who knows. I liked him. I liked him more than anyone before and I trusted him more. And I messed it up, I fucking ruined it. As slowly as I can without failing this too I stud up and walked back into the bedroom. I should be happy, right? I had very good sex last night and he stayed here maybe for breakfast. He was very kind and very hot. He was that kind of person I would stay all my life with. But on this way it

would be better for both of us. No one gets hurt. I felt asleep again. About two hours later I woke up with salty cheeks. „Life sucks“ I said to myself and decided to get down into the kitchen to take a tea. It would hopefully make me feel better. „Hey Jude!“ I said with a good faked laugher. „What´s up?“ „Oh just nothing - except our breakfast. We were appointed my dear“ „Shit! I knew I forgot something“ - a lie. I really don´t wanted to go to this voluntary degradation in public. „Ye can we met a bit later?“ I asked in a hopefully

voice. „No I´m sorry. I´m starting my shift at ten o´clock“ „Oh okay … then bye. Have a nice day“ „Thanks, you too! Goodbye“ I do like Jude.Well I did maybe long time ago. We are old friends from secondary school. She´s okay but she talks to much! If I need somebody to talk, I would not really be able to talk about my problems with her. Aside from the fact that my current problem is not able to talk about. „Alley nice to see you here! What a surprise!“ said George entering the flat. I looked unimpressed to the very emotion filled face of my brother. „Hey how are

you?“ he asked curious and came to me for a hug. „Oh … I`m fine“ „Alley what happened?!“