Sonstiges
Angst

Fear No. 1 - The fear of ruining

I think I ruin everything I touch:

What my fingers streak turns to dust

Reduced complexity, I create disgusting simplicity leaving nothing but a void - you are destroyed, destroyed, destroyed. by. me

I think I ruin everything I touch:

What my trembling lips kiss

injecting electricity, death shivers down your spine and you are: destroyed, destroyed, destroyed

I think I ruin everything I touch:

My words are swords

carving themsselves deeper under your skin and destroying, destroying, destroying you from within

I think I ruin everything I touch:

I`m Midas in reverse, nothing but a curse

and bring Hiob down on earth because I do not live, I destroy, destroy, destroy

I think I ruin everything I touch:

but I can`t keep away from you

I can`t keep you from being

destroyed

destroyed

destroyed

by me

(I`ve ruined you)

Fear No. 2 - The fear causing insomnia

My mother has an insane mind

and my father violated her

My sister is sad and provocative

and what am I?

Therefore I am afraid of the power of inheritage, because if their brain tocks differently and they don`t know.

How am I to know if mine ticks at all.

Fear No. 3 - The fear of power by knowledge

i always wondered how i looked like from an outer view and believed the answer was my mirror

but i am wrong

i am a silhoutte

can you see it too?

and do you see this wolrd as empty or is it full of bright colors, full of noise?

well my skin has turned numb, and so has my brain

tell me darling: how does it feel to feel?

because i fear i might percieve myself as sane while my mind has gone mad chasing the white rabbit

and you know

you know

and i don`t

Fear No. 4 - The fear of behaviour

You won`t understand.

I can tell by the way you react.

Because you react.

Well: Nobody ever taught me how to react..

There should be classes

"Proper ways to react towards people talking to you"

Or simply:

"Proper ways to react towards people"

Because no one ever taught me how to react

And in these moments I am full of fear and want to sit down and learn from others by watching them react to certain situations

And that is the wrong behaviour, if somebody comes into your life, they expect you to react in any kind of way but not not at all.

They expect everything but they do not expect

nothing.

Fear No. 5 - The fear of oblivion

You are afraid of being forgotten

of dying.

You think it`s beautiful that you are made out of stardust but refuse to let go of your atoms so they can create something new.

Fear No. 6 - The fear of relapse

PART I:

I don`t want to write about my sadness

.about the cause

.or the solution

altercating with it makes me cry

I`m just making this world a more terrible place to be.

and I haven`t cried in such a long, long time

NOTHING IS COMFORTABLE

PART II:

Yes, perhaps the scars on my skin will fade one day, but I fear the wrong alignement of my bones, the wrong chemical composition in my head, my genes will always remain.

Therefore my foundation from which I was created and determined from the start will remain and break

through the surface sometimes until I pass.

Part III:

Maybe one day this sadness will drown in its own tears.

There won't be any salt left to carry the regrets above the waves.

And maybe this emptiness will fill itsself and be gone..

and perhaps I will be content.

But maybe this happiness will never feel like home

and it will be more shallow than the deepest of my saddest cuts. Slicing open the past

Perhaps I wasn't empty back then. I was full of despair.

And now I am.

Because there is so much time and nothing to do. Nothing to be sad about, but I still am and that makes it even worse.

They teach you how to deal with the struggle, how to escape depression. But never have they lost a word about what comes after.

Fear No. 7 - The fear of consistency

I will never change

Fear No. 8 - The fear of love

PART I

Do not tell me that the solution and reason to all is love. Spell out the word, three times in a row and then again tell me that it is more, than just four letters, consisting of two vocals and two consonants. Tell me, that it is more than the brain in a wash of spilled Adrenalin, Dopamine, Endorphin and Cortisol. Creating a false physical sickness, lasting approximately three years until disappearing. Tell me. Tell me!, that it is more than a false pretense to mate and recreate. That Darwin was

wrong with his evolutionary theory, showing us that we only exist to reproduce. And tell me, please don’t tell me that he is wrong. 7 billion people, an immense population prove different. Don’t lie and tell me that there is more to life and love is beautiful. IT IS NOT! And don’t tell me that love isn’t just a creation to stabilize relationships, to safely raise healthy children, that academics are wrong when they say that love only arises because of certain physical reactions. Please teach me

how to love

and how love

can be more wonderful

than hurt-.

PART II:

I regret not falling in love at a young age At a age where you give a fuck about politics Where you give a fuck about moral standards Where you give a fuck about future decisions Because the future is so far away A love in which only love is of relevance Of importance And is the only thing that matters Of course having a limited field of choice can help you with your decision but I regret because nowadays we think too much About too much that actually doesn’t matter I regret because I fear I will never be able to experience love And just love Pure and raw and heartbreacking and tearing apart every cell in your wrecked frail body (I am more afraid of the thing that will never

happen than the things that havent) I want love to blind me

PART III:

I am afraid that I will fall in love but not because of you

that my disease is loneliness and you look like the cure

and I will wreck you to a heartless beast like me

Part IV:

//There was a boy who loved me

who wouldn't quite admitt

that in a night of dancing stars

it was me he tried to kiss.

There was a boy who loved me

who showed his admiration through emphasizing

in every sentence who I was and who I was

and who I never was.

There is a boy who loves me

who drew hearts in the air

but as I am a confused young girl

I tried hard not to care\

Now he is the boy I love

in the most terrible way

because he loves, he loves, he loves me

and there's nothing I say.

Part V:

I am afraid of love because of the position it puts you in it is a quite lonely place I’ve never been in so I don’t know how to behave but because it is just me Who am I to ask how to feel when and why? Sometimes I feel so sick though I do feel (something) for you how do I know when it feels right I have nothing to compare and how am I to handle you if I cannot handle

myself? I feel quite alone with or without you.

Part VI:

Isn’t it ironic that it is more difficult to cope with .not having somebody to love .than not being loved? So we search and we search and we search to find love - blooming in the garden of our own ego

So we love to let go of what has made our hearts so heavy and not because you are the most wonderful and contagious creature I have ever been fascinated by but

because We cannot bear the burden of love? Doesn’t it make you deeply unhappy?

(the fear of /beingtouched by/ love)

Part V:

Sometimes I wish I could love you like that

(like the others do)

crave your body as I do your soul

-or-

as you do mine

feel the lust arise when you gently caress me

feel the need to hold onto you forever when you close your hands on mine

but instead I feel the need

to strive it off of me when it rests on my thighs

and your head on my shoulders

Sometimes I wish I could just look you in the eyes

and kiss you

because that is exacty what I'm feeling

and not

because I know you expect me to

Sometimes I wish I could feel this sexual attraction

stronger than this sexual frustration

but I can't

and it deeply saddens me to know

this is a necessity you can't forgo

and we can't overcome

/but it still hurts so badly

knowing you will never touch me again/

/but it still hurts so badly

knowing we don't fit/

/but it still hurts so badly

knowing I will never experience this kind of love as something wonderful..

Fear No. 9 - The fear of misunderstanding

They notice the scars on my wrists and examine how they came to existence. They want me to speak and maybe I want them to ask but they are too careful to say more and I am too fearful to make a sound. And so I wither away and become less and less and .am gone. And even if I told them about this self-hatred, my turning stomach and my aching head when I think about myself. How I want to cut the ugly infected

part of my brain right out of it How it feels.. Would they understand? Or

Fear No. 10 - The fear of missing words and explanations

I don’t think I could explain, so they’d understand. I guess some words have to be felt to be understood.

Fear No. 11 - The fear to fear

Mother,

1. You taught me to go fearful into the evil night

To avoid these midnightmen I do not know

To hold my head down low

On the streets I go

Heading home

My shoulders are hunched

My insecurities

will scream louder than any word that leaves

my mouth

Saying: I am a victim

And I am scared, and I am frightend

And I am alone in the night

And need to hold my knife

Up high

So every midnightman sees that he can`t fuck with me

But how am I to protect my life

When I learned not to be noticed but am

It`s a paradox

Because they know exactly that I am too fearful

Though I have a weapon I could use

No one will save me but myself

2. You taught me that no man will provide help because all men are horrid, if even humans

So rely on no one but yourself

And when these midnightmen strike

My cries will never leave my mouth

Because they hold it shut

My words to defend myself will never leave my mouth

Because

3. You taught me not to speak up

When you should`ve taught me to hold myself up right

That I am strong

That I am an opponent

That no one wants to fuck with me

Because I am not weak and I am not a victim and yes I am a woman and I will

not go fearful into that good night

4. Mother, why do you warn me of these midnightmen and bring them home yourself?

Why do you teach me not to trust and not to love, to be suspicious of everyone at anytime

When statistics say most crimes are comitted by close family members

The chances to die by accident are highest when driving

And most sexual assualts happen at universities and they do nothing because it`s damage to their image

Why do you bring home these midnightmen I do not know

Why do you invite these strangers into our home?

5. But it`s not just these midnighmen I fear now

I expect harm from every boy I meet

And I don`t trust

Anybody now

Anymore

Not these midnightmen

And not you &

Not myself

Fear No. 15 - The fear of posthumanity

It’s a strange feeling you get when thinking about the fact that the human race is just an intermediate step and i wonder what will follow after us A race with more or less conscience, with higher intelligence? because i often wonder whether these two traits are more destructive than helpful Will they be able to answer the question why we are here, and why we are alive and whether we are alive And where will be the lines separating the human race and the fllowing And will they be sharp or a blurred mess?

And will we fasten up evolution or will we slither further away.

After all Huxley said: There is only postmodernity and no such thing as posthumanity.

And like Daughter I am still human, because what

makes a monster, a monster?

Fear No. 16 - The fear of the cold

I fear the cold in people because I wonder what caused them to become jupiter in our solar system, orbiting away from the sun and further into the great distant lone- and emptyness of the universe

I fear that maybe someday, there will not be enough sun rays injected into my veins and I will have to fight to stay human.

Angst Nr. 17 - Die Angst vor der Planckschen Konstante

Je mehr ich versuche etwas über mich heraus zu finden, wo ich stehe, wer ich bin und was meine Meinung ist, je mehr ich danach strebe das Geheimnis zu lüften, desto mehr finde ich mich verlaufen hinter irgendeiner Hecke in einem Labyrinth und in der kurzen Zeit in der wir sind und in der noch viel viel kürzeren Zeit in der wir wir sind (falls du Herrendorf zustimmst, dass wir nicht sind und wir folglich noch viel weniger wir selbst sind in der Größenordnung der Zeit) verirre ich mich in meinen Gedanken und in Fragezeichen, welche sich nach der Frage des WER BIN ICH? angesiedelt haben, aber ich erreiche nie das Ende der Definition, immer geht es weiter mit der Beschreibung darüber wer ich eigentlich bin, nie setze ich einen Punkt, denn ich habe Angst etwas vergessen zu haben und

außerdem, woher soll ich denn wissen wer ich in ferner Zukunft bin, ob ich überhaupt noch bin, ich weiß es nicht und folglich schreibe ich an der Definition über mich immer und immer weiter, verziere die Sätze mit endlosen Kommas und Semikolons und verrenne mich so sehr in den Wörtern, dass ich ein lebendes Paradox bin, das Problem ist nur, dass je mehr ich schreibe, desto mehr verändere ich das Endergebnis, desto mehr verändere ich mich selbst und bin dann noch viel weniger die Person, welche in der Definition beschrieben wird und deshalb habe ich mir Gedanken gemacht, ich werde neu anfangen und euch die endgültige, absolute, universelle und einzig (richtige) Antwort auf die Frage, wer man ist liefern und die lautet: ICH BIN und DU BIST jetzt und

auch jetzt.

Angst Nr. 18 - Die Angst vor mir

Vielleicht wurde mein Geist und mein Körper versehentlich zusammengesteckt als ich entstand.

Vielleicht passt mein Kopf nicht zu meinem Körper und wie ein fremdes Organ, wie Bazillen oder Viren stößt mein Körper diesen ab.

Fear No. 19 - The fear of being a prisoner

Part I:

*I believe to be free.. *you need to free yourself from the thought that poeple can own people we can’t we all are wild and do not wish to be tamed and I chose those who I wander with as a companion may it be a friend just a faint aquaintance or even an ex-lover I did never own you you belong to yourself as I am just myself and if you chose to crave another soul then please continue on your way to happiness because you simply weren’t

mine and I wasn’t your way

Part II:

*I believe to be free.. *you need to free yourself from the concept of time there is no to late there is no to early don’t ask yourself what would have happened but accept what is happening and where you are now and where you can go be careful how and with whom you share your time be careful and try not to be everywhere at once but dare to settle down for a night or two

Fear No. 21 - The fear of wishing upon stars

Heute morgen stand auf einem Zettel:

"Tschüss, mein Schatz

hab' dich lieb,

Herz, Mama."

Und ein dummes Mädchen wusste nicht, ob sie wollte,

dass sie wiederkam

oder dass sie wegwäre, auf unbestimmte Zeit bis für immer.

Fear No. 22 - The fear of confinement

I fear this town is too small for me

I must leave

Or maybe it is my horizon that is too near

and my mind that is too closed

and it is not me who is free

but they

And because of the confinement of my brain

I will never understand

Ich fürchte diese Stadt ist zu klein für mich

Ich muss gehen.

Oder ist es mein Horizont, welcher zu nah an meinen Augenliedern kratzt

(über was soll ich hinausschauen mit zunen Augen)

Meine abgeschlossenen Gedanken, ohne Schlüssel

Vielleicht sind es ja sie, die frei sind

und nicht ich

Und dadurch, dass mein Gehirn in meinem Kopf festsitzt

werde ich sie niemals verstehen

Fear No. 23 - The fear of homelessness

I fear you can be homeless but have a home because you spend more time on the movement than on settling down jumping from city to city “you are the moment between the jump and the fall” just the thin air filling the inbetween and you’re more familiar with the idea of moving than four secure walls or because you’ve always lived in the same house since you’ve been born but you feel so alien for these walls don’t hold enough space for you and you are ready for the jump perhaps another human

being will hold on to you so tight this moment becomes endless (you’ll be at home whereever you go because you do not land)

Fear No. 24 - the fear of the greatest fear

Everybody fears, but everybody fears something different. Everybody has a different greatest fear, one they cannot imagine in daylight without the moment turning into a nightmaire. The sunlight fading and “the universes blackness appears” dressed in a funeral gown, carrying your coffin in the funeral procession. Perhaps this already answers what mine is. My greatest fear and i do not know whether it is foolish or not to say: It is sadness. Sadness in its purest and most rawest form, like light crashing into your eyeballs, blinding you, pure sadness crashes into you making you numb. I fear what comes after sadness, I fear the depression, I fear the hollow, the emptiness cause and sideeffect. I fear the vicious circle sadness is, doing the trick

with its tongue, seducing you to love the darkness more than happiness. And being alone more than in company because how dreadful it is being surrounded by people but still alone, so lonely? I fear getting comfortable in it again, setteling down, making a newly furnished home in it and forgetting what the years between looked like. The happy ones. Was I ever really happy? Somehow when you are sick that is all there is to it. You cannot remember how it feels like when there was dopamine and endorphines in your brain there was and always has been and always will be only terrible darkness and dormancy in your brain. No lightning at all. I fear the change of mindset. The glass half full emptying itself like your veins and your body is once again only half full of life and filled with ferocious death. You are but a corpse at least 50% of you has already decomposed, can’t you see the flowers blooming off my rotten skin and the vultures tearing from my

molded soul and off my unbeating heart. I fear the chances turning into insecurities, into regrets, repeating in my head again and again that these are supposed to be my best years of my life and why the hell am I not making the most of it? And my confidence into a big bundle of helpless fear again. I know this life has no sence and it need none, but isn’t it dreadful? I fear it all: not getting out of bed in the morning because there is no reason and you have no energy left, but to sleep unil you are deceased. The opposite of depression is vitality and I am no more vital. The hospital screens show no mountains but the clear horizontal line of an ocean. I fear not being able to read anymore it is too mundane without any depth I cannot connect to I fear not being able to turn on the radio because the news is just too shocking, all though I know no news is good news it just puts unnecessary weight on my shoulders, as if they weren’t broken already the fact that I cannot turn on the TV and just watch a

show to disract myself, because it all comes down to this endless senselessness I fear it because I cannot look at any pictures of my mother anymore, all she does is vanish and it makes me so sad knowing I am the reason to her grieving that she fears death and I don’t I fear life and I fear it because I cannot just take long walks outside in solitude, the beauty of nature and life makes me cry because this is a gift I do not acknowledge or respect enough and there lies so much sadness in beauty I cannot stand the closeness of others, all though touch is healing it gives me anxiety and I need to suffer alone. Please don’t touch and handle with care, for I am fragile. I fear it because all I do is exist and I am scared of being a living ghost again, a silhoutte making the something I am right now into nothing again and I fear it like a

shadow always at the tips of my toes creeping up behind me and I fear noticing me falling into bad habits knowing better but doing nothing And I fear it because then again I’ll find it relaxing the thought of unzipping my veins letting life pour right out of me, being calm and I fear it because I’ll find it calming the thought of jumping off a bulding falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and falling forever and as if it weren’t relaxing enough even more wonderful is thought of actually hitting the ground and feeling life so brutally end your bones crackling; the endless pain and death just being a step away from everything every feeling and thought you’ve ever had and the calmness of the waves above your head whilst you are drowing while you have the last bit of oxygen sucked out of

your lungs by the ever hungry ocean and having it replaced by H2O making your body heavier, so heavy you forget how to breathe and just feel peace and the reassuring thought that you can at least say you lived before you died because you felt alive. because then you can at least say you lived or felt alive before you died

Fear No. 25 - The fear of smoke

Die Angst, dass alles falscher Rauch ist

Magie

Man fasst in ein Beutel

wirft ein bisschen Staub zu Rauch

und alle Probleme verschwiden

und doch ist keine Zauberei im Spiel

und alles ist wie es früher war

alles ist gleich

du hast nur deinen Tod akzeptiert

und es tut mir weh.

Fear No. 26 - the fear of emptiness

We are an empty generation with perrforated souls burnt hearts & scarred skin we carry holes so large as are body holes as big as our thoughts we do know from where and why they came so we believe them to be the loss of someone we once were but it is not something we’ve held We we’re built from nothing the universe did not find it’s birth in something already existing it did not find it’s beauty in something already present but in the lack of

such we cannot fill the cracks with old but we must create this is a journey of you striving off the old skin making space for a creation of a new self. Of course it is painful. I know but find pride in the empty you are the first pheonix to rise.

Fear No. 27 - The fear of égalité

What I am trying to say is that I fear to never experience the hardness of missing the pure despair because though I do not mind feeling replacable myself I fear I feel others are - though they are not and I will never find a soul I will want to keep so close to my soul so tightly bound to my heart that it hurts that I share so much of myself with I can’t imagine anyone else fitting so well in all my blank spaces as you do I guess what I am trying to say is that I need to meet a person so

deeply that I realize the universe could never create such a perfect creature again in a thousand a million years